QOTD: “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” -Cynthia Occelli
SOT: I hear back from the rest of my decisions today. Not expecting much; conflicted feelings but trying to remain optimistic for the future.
I gave up on this blog a while ago. It speaks volumes to how I constantly make promises for myself then never follow through due to lack of focus and commitment. It’s something I want to change but I’m not too sure how. I think I expect the puzzle pieces to just fit for me automatically or I always expect that the world owes me something. And because of that, I tend to get caught up in the moment and lose sight of what I’m working for. I want to change this. I don’t want to always receive bad outcomes in life and then constantly become angry or depressed when I know deep down that it is my fault and only my fault. I could have worked harder. I could have spent more time studying. In the moment I don’t receive satisfaction in what I am doing but I’m hoping that I can see that it’ll be worth it in the long run if I just remain focused. So again, I want to work on long-term projects and keeping focus so I decided to revisit this blog and give it another shot.
Anyways, I just let that all out but it will make sense as I introduce the subject of this post: College decisions! Last night was a blur honestly, but I’ll try and recollect what I can and turn it into something meaningful. Basically, I have been hearing back from many of my colleges. I have gotten all rejections and waitlists. I was ok with it at first, understanding that it isn’t a reflection upon me but just the limited class size. But as it progressed, it just developed into a pattern of rejection after rejection. It all culminated into the Duke decision yesterday, March 29th. I was rejected of course (only 58 deferred applicants were accepted) but then I heard Connie got in. I was elated for her but that was when I self-imploded. It was a mixture of me realizing how much I had failed myself. How much I had failed my parents. Understanding that I wouldn’t be with Connie next year. Understanding that I wouldn’t spend my next 4 years getting to experience Duke, or Northwestern, or Johns Hopkins, or Washing University (St. Louis) — the list goes on. I held it all in and it just came out that day. I felt I deserved something. I knew I was smarter and more involved than many who did get in. I blamed my being an Asian male. I got numb. I got dizzy. At some point I nearly passed out and just ran out of the house for a while. I felt depressed, useless, and even thought about suicide. I felt that no one cared. I was home alone for Spring Break so no one was around with me either.
Of course the feelings pass. I slept well and here I am now. I feel better but not 100%. I feel lack of motivation but know that I have to change my life right now. I am the only one who can control the outcome so I really can’t make the same mistakes that I did the last few years.
I think the QOTD applies to me quite well. I’ve hit my rock bottom (which fortunately isn’t that terrible) in terms of being satisfied with myself. I let myself be vulnerable for once. I let everything out. And now that I am undone, I’m ready to let a new side of me take over. I’m fairly certain I will be attending UNC-Chapel Hill this fall which is not bad at all. It’s just stigmatized I guess. It was nice reading over what I blogged about in my last post. I want to be genuine — to myself, and to others. I done with adding unnecessary stress to myself just to get some short-term validation from others or expect to be rewarded just for appearing capable (taking Physics C for example). There is no formula in life. Everyone’s perspective on life is different which means our perspectives on what a meaningful life entails is also different. So to that end, I’ll work on satisfying myself and being content with myself. If I do that and continue to work hard, there is no way I won’t be successful in life.
I know college doesn’t define me but validation wouldn’t be so bad right now. Let’s just see how today turns out.